Wall Water Features

I'm writing a book and I need some crituqe?

Sakura was in a dark place. Where am I? she wondered. She was surrounded by water, It kept getting deeper and deeper. What’s going on? She couldn’t remember anything. How did she get here? The water was up to her hips now. Panic began to arise. "Help! is anybody there?!" There was no response, only silence. The water was at her chest. She began screaming, her screams echoing off the walls. The water was creeping up towards her face now. Thrashing her legs and struggling, she tried to stay above the water. She gasped for air, "Somebody!!!". She began to get tired. No! She couldn't give up, not yet. Finally she was under completely, Her lungs burned for air. She opened her mouth, realizing her mistake it was too late. She slowly sank as the world around her began to go black. She saw a man standing on the water. He had Blond hair that swooped down over his right eye. His dark green eyes burned in to her. As though he were trying to read her soul. She tried to reach out to him. She couldn’t understand, why wasn’t he helping her? He began laughing at her struggles and started walking away. Everything went black after that. She awoke in a cold sweat. What was that?! who was he?! His laughter was still ringing in her ears. Sakura finally realized she was safe in her bed. It was just a nightmare, that’s all, she told herself. What a strange dream though. Her clock read 5:36 am. I'll never get back to sleep now, she told herself. May as well get up and get ready for school. As she stepped into the shower, she felt afraid. The water scared her. Relax she told herself, It was only a nightmare. But she couldn't get over those dark green eyes. Who was he? She stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel and went to her room. She got dressed and blow-dried her hair. She went over to her mirror and stared at herself. She was pretty. There was no doubt about that. Her light brown hair flowed naturally past her shoulders. It was straight with a bit of a wave. Her startling blue eyes were one of her best features. She had a great figure. She smiled, she was content with herself. She checked her clock again. It was only 7:28. She'd walk to school early she decided. It is just a rough draft, and I do appreciate the crituqe. I am just beginning to write, so I'm not quite used to it. I will change a lot of things. I just picked the name Sakura, because i like japanese names. I'll probably change that too.

Public Comments

1. could you break that up into paragraphs? Nothing more uninviting to a reader than a massive wall of text.
2. 1) Use paragraphs. Blank walls of text are near-unreadable, especially onscreen. 2) Is this an actual book you are trying to write, rather than fanfiction? If so, you need to consider why your character has Western looks but the Japanese name of a popular anime character.
3. It's good, for a rought draft. (paragraphs).
4. Is this girl Japanese? Because I can assure you that the name "Sakura" will cause some sort of rejection among readers. Disregarding that, you switch from past to present tense, and have multiple grammatical errors throughout the excerpt. Even for a third person limited omniscient piece, there is way too little description. There are a lot of sentences that you could expand on to paint a picture of where she is or what she did. Show, don't tell. Don't TELL us "She began to get tired" Write something like, "Her limbs slowly began to feel like lead, weighing her down instead of serving to help her stay afloat. An aching feeling crept up her body. She could hardly summon up enough energy to inhale, as even her lungs seemed to be betraying her."
5. sorry but i don't think it makes much sense. the water is rising far too quickly you need to spread that out more to build the feeling of suspense, it doesn't get a chance to before its over, you say she cant see anything that its totally black but she clearly sees this man on the water. if she is drowning and under the water how can she see a man stood on it and so clearly she sees his eye colour? also the scene of her looking in the mirror studying her reflection and how she looks in such detail just sounds wrong, its very obviously just a way to get the description of her in rather than being pertinent to the story. I think it has potential but needs juggling around and working on.
6. the water's rising too fast unless that's the prologue, you need too build the suspense Make sure it's in paragraphs reader's like it to be organized answer mine please http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ai.SnQXps4CnZg2SVn6JtuLsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090404142749AAs3Hd4
7. While the story idea is somewhat sound, the flow is far too quick. The character, while her thoughts are shown, does not appear to feel any sensations of the physical world around her. Also, why does she take a two hour shower? Avoid showing times in general, unless using them to portray a feeling of unease or suspense. They almost ruin the literary timelessness of a well-written piece. Try to get more into the physical sensations of the world, e.g., "the fetid, lukewarm water, crawled with the possibility of hostile creatures", etc. Anyway, the story itself is a bit promising. Fix it up, and it could be pretty good!
8. wonderful! a fellow good writer! i really have nothing to say, its written really nice! you should post more up, can you critque my book lol http://answers.yahoo.com/my/my;_ylt=AvYbldaTuMx5wT0hCR2x.4.IxQt.;_ylv=3